Thursday, 24 April 2014

Feeling so unsettled....

Lately I've been feeling so unsettled and it took a while to work out why. On my rides to the local park, I like to stop somewhere there to sit and think.

Eventually I knew why but didn't know what to do. Sometime I wish my life is so simple and easy so I don't have to make hard decisions. Sometime it's hard to make decisions because I don't know whether to listen to my head or my heart..... Be sensible or spontaneous.

I know my health is part of my reasons why I'm unable to make decisions easily. Also I sometime find it hard to make decisions because I am not always in control of my life.

What I would love to do is to drop everything and just leave, travel for years but I can't do that for now. I have to attend hospitals. Maybe you think that is excuses, a part of me think it's just excuses but it is not that simple. I never know when I need to rest or need help with my health. I KNOW if I've perfect health then it would be easy, I would just drop everything and go.

I feel unsettled and don't have control over my life basically because hospitals control my life, keep me waiting in waiting rooms for ages leaving me do everything later than everyone such as travelling. I wanted to go to travelling when I was more younger than now. So I'm playing catch ups with my life and I don't like that really. I am not at where I wanted to be at my age. And hospitals taking ages to make appointments such as pain management - I don't even have regular appointments, I only had two so far - so I feel I can't make plans for my future if I don't have pain management appointments basically how the heck am I supposed to carry on with my life if I don't have suitable medication / pain management. But that's life and I am trying to carry on with my life.

As some of you know I've been wearing my hearing aid since last year but that has bought something new to me. I realised I was missing wearing cochlear implant - even though I didn't have it for long - and it got me thinking for ages about it. I was thinking where would I be now if my body didn't reject it. Or what would have happen if I had the go ahead to have another cochlear implant. It's not easy to make the decision based on my medical history and experiences in the past, so a referral to the implant centre is needed to talk about what happened in the past and what could happen if I had another one.

I don't always like routines and do get the itch to do something out of the blue or something crazy. Another reason why I can't make decisions easily. I can be very annoying. But then I think having routines is easy if I want to feel settled in my life!

I know if/when I am done with my travelling, I will want to commit to a new job with longer contract, and learn to drive because then I will be able to commit to stay in a place for a while. Probably my home-town. Settle & commit in a relationship. Make my home more homely, wherever that is!

I am only 26 - I never feel that, always older - yet some people are surprised to hear I am not in a committed relationship and don't have children. I don't even want kids but prepared to accept it that I might change my minds in the future though. I even don't want to marry but again might change my mind in the future haha. Having fun dating and I know it's pointless to commit to a relationship when I don't even know what's happening in my life and don't know what I want to do :) That is called being sensible :)

Sometime I wish I wasn't sensible and mature for my age.

So how do the heck do people make decisions?! I never will understand how I have made it so far in my life :) I hate the 'what ifs' but I do often think about it, annoying I know.

Could someone invent a time machine so I could jump in the past and be a child so I could be care free for a bit. But then I don't want to go back in the past because I am more stronger now.

As my life changes all the time, I might be saying different things in few months or few years, who know! :)
Bye for now :)


  1. I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do. Hospitals are so annoying and all I can say is to do what you want to do now.